Monday, October 20, 2008

Running... It's Just Like Riding a Bike Up Hill

At least that's what I've been told now by half a dozen people. Knowledgeable people, supposedly.

Hmmm, let's see...

During the first few minutes of a run, my feet feel as if I'm scampering barefoot across hot coals. No, not coals.... more like hot, spiny sea urchins. Soon it feels as if Rambo is thrusting his serrated knife up deep inside my shins ...metal on bone... then he twists it to scrape out the marrow.

Seems like my calves rip on most runs. Imagine a heavy-duty meat hook attached to a rope with a metal anvil at the other end. Now bury one of those hooks deep in each calf muscle, and run along while dragging the anvils behind you. It's sorta like that, only worse.

I'm also convinced that a gang of invisible evil elves run beside me smacking my kneecaps with invisible little hammers.

My side cramps feel like I just had an appendectomy--without anesthesia--only upon completion, the surgeon decides to tear open the incision, reach up into my abdomen, and stab each lung rhythmically with his own Rambo knife.

That's not the only abdominal discomfort either. I find that, when running, any morsels of food I've eaten in the previous 12 hours mysteriously bulk up to the size of a Jumbo Deluxe Combo Burrito. This mass hurtles down an express lane of my intestinal plumbing, and soon demands to exit the freeway. With each footstep, like a SWAT team pounding a battering ram against a tightly closed door, that burrito wants out.

And as if these problems weren't dire enough, when I do longer runs, my nipples feel like they've been sanded by a sheet of 60-grit sandpaper. They bleed sometimes.


But yeah, other than those things, running is just like riding a bike up hill.

9 comments:

djconnel said...

http://www.chirunning.com/

Drea said...

Impressive! I would love to see you experience and then describe childbirth...wait, scratch that...I only want to hear about it.

Mrs. Fanelli said...

Waah, waah. This from someone who "trains" for 2 weeks and can run an 18-minute 5K. I'm sorry you don't get much sympathy from me.

Marco Fanelli said...

Dan-
Thanks for the link. Methinks I should check out chi running!

Drea-
Haha! Actually, I decided last year that childbirth is probably akin to the level of suffering in a bike race. Let's see if you're convinced after you read this...
http://marcofanelli.blogspot.com/2007/05/san-luis-rey-suffering.html
(that link might not wrap very well...)

Mrs. Fanelli-
Haha! The problem is not the first 5K, it's the next 5K, and the next 5K, and so on...
Are we going to bet each other on who finishes first in the Half Marathon?? (I would bet on you.)

Kk said...

And the upside would be...? Why on earth would you want to continue this activity?

Cycling is certainly strenuous and occasionally gives me trouble with heat prostration, but most of the time it makes me feel like the immortal empress of all I survey!

Marco Fanelli said...

kk-

Good questions, and I don't really have an answer, except to say that I've been seduced by those rare occasions when running actually feels comfortable. Or even zen-like peaceful and simple...

But yeah, you're right, cycling rocks!

drea said...

Marco,

Nice read on the child birthing...you practice your Lemond? ha ha ha. Having raced collegiate cycling and having had two children, I have found a slight difference between the two "sports." One is definitely harder than the other :)

Marco Fanelli said...

Well, Drea, I've puked and passed out from bike racing ....but then again, I also puked and passed out after just watching childbirth. So yeah, I think I know which is harder!

(disclaimer: the getting sick part was the day AFTER watching childbirth, so maybe it was the hospital and not the actual event...)

Marco Fanelli said...

ps. I really enjoyed your blog post about the New York Marathon. My wife has done 10+ marathons, but not NY yet. It'll probably be one that "we" do soon, in combination with being NY tourists. (BTW, "we" means that she runs, and I take care of all the logistics!)